Let those who play to lose you, win. Because their love is imbued with a sense of selfishness. Indeed, whoever plays with you just to satisfy their own emotional voids, only deserves a goodbye from you. As a matter of fact, they simply don’t deserve you, and if there’s one thing that you should never lose, it’s your dignity.
Neurologists, Amir Levine and Rachel Heller wrote an extremely interesting book entitled The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find and Keep Love. The book explains something extremely revealing about this very topic. The authors claim that our brains are programmed to seek and receive support. Indeed, we need emotional security in every one of our ties, whether they be family, friendships, or partners.
“I was afraid of losing someone very special (whom I ended up losing). But I survived! And I still live! And life, I never tire of it.”
Despite the fact that you may well not like the term ’emotionally dependent’, there’s clear evidence at the neuronal level that the human being displays this need. However, you shouldn’t view this dependence as a total and absolute anchor toward one or more people. What’s meant here is your need to know you’re loved, the acceptance that you’re going to be respected, and the feeling that you can count on your loved one for anything.
Building a relationship based on a game where there’s only one winner is always hurtful for one of the partners. In fact, when you have a partner who’s ‘addicted’ to making promises that they don’t keep or they only offer you a selfish kind of love, the first thing to suffer is your brain. In other words, you experience stress. This is an instinctive biological reaction that alerts you to the fact that there’s something wrong.
That idea you had that the person who loves you respects you and offers you support, closeness, and security is shattered. Then, you immediately enter a cycle marked by mistrust, vulnerability, and anxiety.
Let’s take a closer look.
Love as a system and play of forces
The success of a relationship depends on many factors. Undoubtedly, one of them is the ability of both partners to give and receive support. Therefore, if one partner doesn’t get involved or leaves the other’s needs in the background, the relationship will slowly fall apart.
As curious as it may seem, these types of realities are often not so easy to spot. Sometimes, other people play with you and you don’t realize it. In fact, they use you as pawns in their chess game. A game in which they’re the ruthless king or queen who’s devouring one by one, all your hopes, dreams, and strengths. According to systems theory within the emotional field, this occurs due to certain specific factors.
The relationship becomes a system
When two people come together in a relationship, something much bigger than its two members is created. It becomes a system. It’s like a sphere that’s full of complex dynamics. However, you have a tendency to look at it in a rather idealistic manner. In fact, you tell yourself that this relationship will be ‘the one’, that it’ll be perfect, and that, together, you’ll grow as people as well as as a couple.
You maintain this type of belief and internal dialogue because your mind needs it. That’s because you long to feel emotionally and psychologically secure. However, day by day, that perfect system becomes clouded with small but relentless dynamics as well as serious attacks, such as contempt, disappointment, and emotional blackmail.
You probably won’t react when you first see and feel these initial blows. That’s because your brain is programmed to resist change. For this reason, it’ll employ inadequate reasoning such as “This won’t last”, “It’ll change”, and “If they really want me, they’ll realize that they’re hurting me”.
However, this system that contains you weakens you day by day until, eventually, it collapses like a house of cards. You must leave in time, so you don’t find yourself among the ashes of a broken dream, a relentless game where you end up being the loser.
If they love you, they don’t play with you: emotional immaturity and seeing love as a game
In the book we mentioned earlier, written by neurologists, Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, they claim that people who usually understand love as a game are emotionally immature. They’re the kinds of people who only react to the novelty of the moment, to immediate gratification, and to satisfying their own needs.
“Sometimes losing is winning and not finding what you are looking for is to be found.”
These kinds of people, if they’re offered the moon, want the Sun. They’ll make promises to you when they’re happy and they’ll blame you for all their problems when they’re frustrated. However… why do you sometimes fall in love with people with this type of personality? There’s no specific reason. It could be said that you’re attracted by their intensity, their dynamism, or the fact that they sometimes look at you as if you’re their very reason for being.
You mustn’t be fooled. Love isn’t a game. Let whoever plays with you to lose you win. It’ll be better for you. Because at the end of the day, you’ll be triumphant. Furthermore, you’ll have gained dignity, self-esteem, and courage.
Don’t forget that emotional maturity is also defined by your ability to realize how to observe the reality of things and know how to act in the face of them, even if it hurts and breaks your heart for a while. However, the satisfaction of having acted as you should, means that you’ll recover sooner than you think.
The post Those Who Play to Lose You Don’t Deserve You. Let Them Win appeared first on Exploring your mind.