At some point in their romantic or marital relationships, many women and men are victims of infidelity. This problem breaks the bond and trust and also harms the well-being of the person affected: Depressive symptoms increase and self-esteem is reduced. In many cases, there may be suspicions, but no hard facts. So, how do you discover if your partner is cheating on you?

This question is common in a world where more and more situations of disloyalty are surfacing. For this reason, in this article, we’ll provide you with some keys that help determine if your romantic partner may be committing this type of betrayal. Take note!

Signs that your partner is cheating on you

It’s important to clarify that there’s no set of unequivocal and infallible signs to know if your partner is unfaithful. Each relationship is different, and what could be a sign of infidelity in one case might be normal behavior in another. What’s more, there are also several types of infidelity that, in turn, present themselves in a particular way.

In general, the signs that you’re being cheated on are very ambiguous and can be interpreted erroneously. Therefore, we advise you not to take these signs as irrefutable evidence.

Dr. John Gottman, an expert in the field of relationships, explains something interesting in his book The Science of Couples and Family Therapy (2018). Before obsessing over a possible betrayal, you should focus on how the relationship is going. That’s an indicator worth considering. Now, let’s see what the possible signs of deception are.

1. Your partner uses their cell phone in a suspicious manner

Infidelity is likely if the other person becomes too secretive with their cell phone, frequently changes their passwords, and prevents you from seeing their screen while they’re using it. Cell phone use becomes exacerbated and your partner begins to use it in places where they didn’t do so before, such as in the bathroom. They may also get a little nervous or uncomfortable when receiving messages in your presence and leave the room to answer calls.

2. They show disinterest in you

Another way to know if your partner is cheating on you is when they exclude you from their plans, events, or gatherings with their friends or work colleagues. They used to include you in those activities, but not anymore. Before, they shared their weekends with you and you made plans together. However, now they make excuses to spend time without you or in other places and with other people.

3. They can’t account for the hours they keep

Your partner leaves work early, but returns home very late, later than usual, and without any explanation that convinces you. They take sudden “business trips” to destinations that are unusual or unrelated to their employment. They leave home to go to work outside of their usual work hours.

4. Evidence of different sexual behaviors is a sign your partner may be cheating on you

Suspecting that your partner is cheating on you sexually is an overwhelming concern. The way to find out is to see if there’s greater sexual interest or, on the other hand, they’re no longer as interested in you. The increase in their desire can be explained by the excitement that their lover produces in them. On the other hand, reduced sexual interest in you may be due to the sexual satisfaction that they find in another person.

5. They make inexplicable expenses

Unjustified expenses are one of the main signs that your partner may be cheating on you. These may show up on their credit card as charges at hotels or restaurants that you didn’t go to, purchases of gifts that you didn’t receive or don’t recognize. They no longer contribute to the financial commitments you mutually agreed upon under the excuse of not having any money (when, in reality, they use it for their other relationship).

6. They’re constantly concerned with their appearance

From one moment to the next, they began to worry more than usual about their appearance and invest time in smelling good and looking attractive or sexy before leaving the house. They choose the clothes they’ll wear and the style of their hair very carefully. They invest in new clothes and are more interested in exercising and watching their diet.

7. They distance themselves from you

A suspicious sign that your partner is cheating on you is that they distance themselves from you emotionally for no apparent reason. They don’t tell you about their daily business, thoughts, or emotions. You may also notice a decrease in deep conversations and an increase in superficial dialogue. They no longer care about what you’re feeling and your needs like before.

8. You find physical evidence of infidelity

By this, we’re referring to a situation in which you find someone else’s objects (underwear, beauty accessories, etc.) in your car or home that lead you to suspect that your partner is cheating on you. You may also find jewelry, keys, or notes that you don’t recognize and that your partner doesn’t know how to explain. You find traces of lipstick on their clothes or a different perfume than the one they usually wear.

9. Your friends have seen your partner with someone else

Friends, family, neighbors, or co-workers tell you that they saw your partner with someone else in a compromising situation that suggests infidelity. They’ve seen your partner flirting and holding hands with another person at a hotel, bar, theater, etc.

10. They have unexpected enthusiasm

Is your partner suddenly happier than normal? Their new affair may fill them with enthusiasm and make them feel more excited about life. Therefore, you’ll perceive more energy and enthusiasm in your partner and notice that they’re in a better mood and smile more often. They approach activities with a greater attitude toward achievement.

11. There’s abnormal activity on their social networks

They receive a lot of attention, likes, or affectionate comments from the same person. They’re more active on social networks than before, and their way of interacting on these platforms is different. These behaviors may be a sign that you’re partner is cheating on you.

12. Your partner enjoys new hobbies

They have new hobbies, and their attention is drawn to activities that they didn’t show interest in before. If this occurs, it may be due to the influence of a third party. Participating in those hobbies can be their opportunity to meet someone else.

13. They prefer to go out without you

Another deception alert is that they no longer enjoy your company in public and prefer to go out alone. They make excuses not to take you along and do activities on their own, which are really about seeing the person they’re being unfaithful with.

14. Mood changes

If your partner is cheating on you, they may show sudden mood changes, going from being happy to being irritable or sad for no apparent reason. This may be due to conflicts with the third party or stress from trying to hide their infidelity. Perhaps it’s for some other reason, so remember that it’s not an unequivocal sign and that we all have fluctuations in our mood.

15. They’re not the same person in private

The frequency or quality of sexual relations may have decreased for no apparent reason. But not only that; intimacy also has to do with everyday complicity and with that whole kaleidoscope of small gestures that build the emotional bond. We’ll list some possible changes:

• You perceive a lack of empathy
• They barely display any kind gestures toward you
• They cancel almost all the plans that you have in common
• They share very few everyday anecdotes with you
• They don’t talk to you about their worries and thoughts.
• They don’t show much interest in knowing how your day went

16. Their communication is different

As pointed out in a study published in Frontiers in Psychology, communication is the heart of a loving relationship. It’s that component that harmonizes the bond, building it and enriching it. Therefore, it’s common for someone who’s unfaithful to demonstrate certain signs in their communication that you’ll be sure to notice:

• Evasive conversations: If you try to talk about certain topics, they may evade questions, respond poorly, or avoid going deeper into the conversation.
• Less online interaction with you: There used to be constant interaction through Messenger, text messaging, or social media in the past, but it suddenly decreases. This is an indicator that you need to have a talk.
• Changes in emotional communication: Your partner suddenly becomes more distant or cold to the point that they avoid eye contact. You notice less interest, poor listening, and the feeling that, even though they’re by your side, their mind is far away from you.
• Transformation in their non-verbal language: You observe changes in their body language during talks, such as nervousness, restlessness, or avoidance of physical and eye contact. This is one more sign of emotional distance whose origin should be understood.
• Lies or contradictions: Their stories about what they do don’t match up and are inconsistent or incoherent. Their version of the same event changes over time, their words and actions are contradicting, or what they say and do doesn’t line up with what their friends and co-workers say. Your partner lies to you all the time.

17. They have a defensive attitude

The Journal of Sex Research addresses a striking issue. Often, infidelity is a predictable dimension if interpersonal factors such as satisfaction in the relationship, love, desire, etc. aren’t tended to. That is, there are areas that must be taken care of jointly and constantly to avoid possible betrayals. But sometimes even this equation fails.

If this fear accompanies you right now and you need to know if you’re a victim of infidelity, analyze your partner’s reactions. A defensive attitude, such as avoiding talking about certain things or responding with anger, could be a sign that something’s going on. It’s a self-protection mechanism when something is hidden.

18. They gaslight you

This is a dynamic that tends to appear in certain cases, but not in all of them. When you raise the possibility that the other person is unfaithful, they may call you paranoid. Gaslighting seeks to invalidate a person’s emotions and concerns, making them question their reality. This is common in contexts of infidelity.

Your partner makes you feel guilty for harboring such suspicions and they belittle you and call you crazy. Instead of using good communication to clear things up, they may use this aggressive behavior to defend themself.

19. They suddenly disappear

Your partner or spouse always stood out for their sincerity when telling you where they were. They would reply to you right away by messaging you and letting you know that they’d be late, but now the opposite is true. Infidelity is also demonstrated by suddenly disappearing without giving any explanation. An example of this is going to make a purchase and taking half a day to return.

20. They show no romantic gestures

Romanticism is the everyday language of affection that’s inscribed in the small details. It involves surprising the other person with an unexpected dinner or weekend trip, for example. It’s also a loving message in the middle of the day, remembering anniversaries, and practicing the other person’s love language.

If you perceive that there’s no longer magic in everyday life and that every gesture seems forced, try to understand the reason. The truth is that infidelity may not always be the explanation, but it may be a sign that they’ve fallen into a rut or that they’re some unaddressed problem going on.

21. They have friends that they don’t introduce you to

Suddenly, they tell you about new co-workers that they’re going out with. In the case of infidelity, if you suggest inviting them home for dinner to get to know them, your partner uses meaningless excuses. They give you so many justifications that you begin to question whether or not those supposed co-workers actually exist.

22. The use projection as a defense mechanism

This is a somewhat convoluted psychological mechanism, but it tends to arise in these contexts. Someone who’s cheating on you may accuse you of hiding things or behaving differently.

We can understand it better with this example: You tell them about the discomfort you feel because they always hide when using their cell phone, and instead of listening, they choose a rebuttal, saying that you’re the one who actually spends all day on your phone talking to “who knows who.”

How to get the truth out of your partner if they’re cheating on you

We know that suspecting infidelity isn’t easy to cope with, but it’s important that you find a space to talk with your partner. Try not to do it in a public place but in a private one, where you’re alone, safe, and calm. Also, be very clear about the changes that make you suspicious and consider these recommendations:

• Express what you feel without accusing: Focus on your feelings, but don’t place blame without evidence. You can say this: “In recent weeks, I’ve been feeling very insecure and distrustful, and I’d like to talk about it.” Avoid detours and irrelevant information.
• Present your reasons: Calmly and respectfully explain the reasons why you feel this way. For example, you can say something like, “I feel this way because I noticed that you no longer let me watch TikTok with you on your cell phone, and every time you get a call or message, you walk away from me.
• Active Listening: Allow the other person to express their perspective and explain to you what’s going on. You may get an answer that convinces you of their fidelity (work or emotional problems, some surprise they were preparing for you).
• Defend your suspicion: If their explanation is inconsistent and raises more doubts, insist again and show their inconsistency. In this case, you could say, “Sincerity and trust are essential for me, so I’d really appreciate it if you were honest with me now.” Keep your tone of voice calm, but firm and serious.
• Enforce your limits and consequences: In parallel to the previous point, you can set a limit and a consequence, for example: “You know that I don’t tolerate lies. If you’ve been unfaithful to me and you confess it to me, I’m willing to consider the possibility of a second chance. But if you don’t tell me and I find out you’re hiding the truth, I’ll break up with you and there’s no chance we’ll ever get together again.”

After insisting a few times, if your partner adamantly defends their faithfulness, then you should talk to your partner and negotiate changes so that the situation is comfortable and you don’t feel insecure and distrustful in the relationship.[/atomik -in-text]

If you’re still suspicious that you’re partner is cheating on you…

In some cases, talking works to know when your partner is cheating on you, but in others, it doesn’t. If the latter happens, you don’t have to act like a detective and spy on their every move to catch their infidelity. In those moments, it’s important that you prioritize self-love and dignity.

Following and spying aren’t good for you or the relationship. This constant state of alert can exhaust you a lot and increase your anxiety and worry, which will have repercussions on other areas of your life.

Additionally, the other person may feel harassed and invaded. If your suspicions are unfounded, acting like this would deteriorate the bond. Make sure that doubt doesn’t transform you into someone who’s controlling or compromises your values to find answers.

A relationship should be based on mutual trust. If you have many doubts, feel insecure, and your partner doesn’t help you rebuild trust, really evaluate whether or not this relationship is good for you.

So, what do you do if you discover that your partner is cheating on you?

Overcoming infidelity is a difficult experience for anyone. When you begin this task, it’s essential to take care of yourself and avoid certain traps that make the situation worse. Let’s see what you should avoid and what you can do in these cases.

What you should avoid

• Isolating yourself: Distancing yourself from your friends could make you feel more sad or anxious.
• Impulsive decisions: Acting on impulse, resentment, and hatred would cause more problems and complications.
• Denial: Pretending that your partner hasn’t been unfaithful to you is useless in overcoming long-term pain. Face the situation.
• Take revenge: Although it’s tempting to do so, avoid trying to get revenge because it won’t give you true relief and you’ll complicate the situation even more.
• Blame yourself: Infidelity isn’t your responsibility. Keep in mind at all times that their failure doesn’t reflect your value as a person but rather represents your partner’s problems and decisions.

What you can do if you’re partner is cheating on you

• Identify and accept your emotions: Accept that they violated you. Take time to embrace your emotions (sadness, anger, disappointment, etc). Reflect on them and write down what you think and feel in a journal. Be patient when going through the stages after infidelity.
• Talk to your partner: If you want to better understand what happened or forgive an infidelity, have an honest conversation with your spouse. Find a quiet place where you can talk without distractions. Express what you think and feel and also listen to what they have to say.
• Reflect on the relationship: Think carefully about what you want to do and what’s best for you. Getting divorced or not is a difficult decision that you should consider, especially if they cheated on you several times. But you don’t have to do it alone. You can seek professional help (legal or psychological).
• Set limits: Set clear boundaries, whether or not you decide to give it another chance. Make it clear what behaviors you won’t accept again and what consequences violating the limits will have.
• Seek social support: Reach out to those people who appreciate you and whom you trust. Call them, meet with them, and vent. Social support can help you deal with stress, anxiety, or sadness and also help you recover from what has happened to you.
• Take care of your mental and physical health: Do activities that strengthen you both physically and mentally: Exercise, meditate, go for a walk in nature, eat healthy, sleep well, etc. These activities will also help you have more pleasant emotions.
• Go to therapy: A mental health professional can help you process what you’re experiencing. Also, if you have decided to forgive, couples therapy is a great option for both of you. There, you’ll learn to strengthen your self-esteem and change your internal dialogue.

A complex situation in which you’re the priority

In this text, you’ve learned to recognize some signs that suggest betrayal. However, they’re not irrefutable proof of deception. Their suspicious use of their a cell phone, the inconsistencies in their stories, and the strange outings are some aspects to take into account.

In the midst of assumptions and doubts, it’s essential that you create a space for dialogue to express what you feel and the changes you notice in the relationship. If you have a lot of insecurity and your well-being is damaged, try to work things out with your partner. And if that doesn’t help, then prioritize yourself and choose the best option for your life.

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