Just as individuals go through different stages, so do couples. In fact, the situations couples experience aren’t always easy and they frequently produce marital crises. In such a situation, going to couples therapy can be an excellent way of solving the problem.
There are multiple difficulties that are treated in couples therapy. However, they can be grouped into two main kinds. On the one hand, are couples who’ve grown apart. Their problems are usually related to having few interests in common. They also don’t spend much time together and their intimacy is limited or non-existent. They don’t tend to have huge arguments, but this doesn’t suggest their bond is harmonious. It’s simply because, as they don’t really communicate, there are few areas in which to potentially clash over.
On the other hand, are couples in which conflict is really close to the surface. They do have frequent arguments, often destructive ones. They make personal attacks and criticisms of each other and tend to adopt defensive attitudes.
The reasons for disagreement may concern serious issues but they’re frequently due to trivia. Understandably, not all couples follow the same pattern. Depending on the stage they’re at, both in their own life and that of the relationship, the problems will manifest themselves in different ways.
Practical exercises of couples therapy
In this article, we want to show you some of the exercises that are often prescribed to couples when they go to therapy to improve their relationship. In no way are they a substitute for therapy, but knowing about them might help you improve your relationship if you’re going through a crisis situation.
1. Positive radars
This first exercise consists of understanding that there are two types of radars, positive and negative. The important thing is that you focus on your positive radar, the one that captures more pleasant and enjoyable situations.
The objective is for each of you to activate your positive radars and detect certain things that, in many cases, you might not notice. For instance, you might want to mention a particular attribute of your partner, or how good they look with their new hairstyle.
This exercise is extremely useful because it changes your point of view and you go from looking at everything that bothers you about your partner to recognizing what you do like.
2. The first fifteen minutes
You can link this exercise to the previous one or practice it independently. When you return home at the end of the day, spend the first fifteen minutes that you’re together observing the positive aspects of each other.
For example, maybe you liked something your partner said or they did something for which you feel grateful. The second part of the exercise involves reacting positively to this, thereby increasing the positive interactions between you.
3. The good times album
This activity is especially suitable if you’ve been together for a long time. You collect photos of some of the most special moments you’ve shared and create a photo album with them.
To improve the experience, you might want to write a phrase next to each photo that reflects the emotion that the memory provokes. This will encourage you to both keep positive aspects of each other in mind.
4. The surprise
Each of you has to prepare a surprise for the other once a week or as often as you agree. The surprise has to be something that you know the other particularly enjoys, otherwise, it could backfire.
This exercise is really suitable if you’re immersed in a routine. It allows you to increase empathy toward each other and it also brings creativity into play since the idea is to change the surprise each time.
5. Post-it homework
This task consists of leaving a post-it with a positive message addressed to your partner in an inconspicuous place, but where they can find it. For example, in a nightstand drawer, under their pillow, next to their breakfast cereal, or inside their purse or wallet.
Several post-its a week are more than enough, it’s not necessary to overdo it. It’s interesting to see how the messages change over time. They should be positive but also realistic.
6. A day of love
One day a week, you behave in a loving, respectful, and kind way toward each other. It’s especially suitable if you argue a lot.
It’s quite possible that one or both of you won’t feel like showing excessive kindness toward the other. However, just a little kindness would be enough, Don’t force the emotion if you don’t feel it. You can agree if you’ll do this on a set day every week or as a surprise.
7. Two compliments for every criticism
Every time one of you starts to criticize the other, you must make two positive comments about them. As time goes on, those two compliments can increase to three, four, or five for every criticism issued.
This activity is especially appropriate if you’re constantly criticizing each other. It’s a way to stop doing it and to focus on each other’s positive aspects.
8. One percent right
Every time you disagree, each of you has to pay attention to the part of the other that’s right. That percentage must be at least one percent.
This helps to relax your perspective of each other. In addition, it helps you to empathize with them.
9. Time out in couples therapy
This exercise is really useful if you argue on a regular basis. If one of you detects that the discussion is turning into an argument, you make the T sign with your hands and immediately leave the room.
When you’re both calmer, you can talk again, but first, you have to admit at least one percent of your partner’s argument. If the conversation arises again, repeat the procedure.
10 Celebrating progress
This exercise is a way of celebrating progress in your relationship or some important goal you’ve achieved together. You can do it by going out to dinner, spending a weekend away, or going back to the place where first met.
If you’ve gone through bad times and these have been overcome, in part, thanks to the help of other people, they can also be included in the celebration. For example, a family meal or a celebration with those closest to you.
Commitment and perseverance
As we mentioned earlier, these exercises shouldn’t be seen as a substitute for couples therapy, but they can help you improve your interaction with your partner if you’re going through a crisis. Bear in mind that practicing these exercises only occasionally won’t have a great impact on your relationship with your partner.
The key lies in not only finding ways of thinking and acting differently but to know how to reproduce them over time. After all, you are what you do repeatedly, not just on random days.
In the event that you try these or other couple exercises and don’t achieve good results, you should consult a therapist specializing in couples therapy. Although you may be initially reluctant to discuss your intimate problems with an outsider, you’ll find that a professional’s point of view will help untangle the situation.
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